As many of you know, I was diagnosed with PTSD on 9.6.17. I had never openly spoke with anyone about the nightmares that regularly commenced related to my childhood and how much trauma I had experienced at a very young age. However, yesterday I opened up to some people that I trusted and many of the things I had to say were validated. I can’t believe an entire family can ignore or physically not see the pain and hell I lived in as a child. I’m sure on the surface I seemed just as happy as any other kid, but I wasn’t. I was screaming inside although I never cried out. I was confused and felt alone. I thought things were my fault and that I was a bad girl for letting someone do those things to me. I shut out the tragedies and relished in the good-times for so long that I had almost permanently erased the doom that once consumed my soul.
(Image credit: brightnest.com)
When I opened up to a particular person I trusted, he proceeded to ask me why I would want to dig up all this stuff and to be honest I was taken back by this question. I’m not “digging up the past,” I’m putting myself back together. I have been haunted and scarred by the memories buried deep inside my mind. I have been in literal HELL due to the selfish decisions made by someone else. I did not choose for these things to happen to me and I damn sure didn’t deserve to have my innocence STOLEN from me as a preschooler. At age 3 we do not retain memories so all I have been focused on is trying to piece together a sea of puzzle pieces resembling a black hole. Each piece precisely fitting— one by one.
As the picture is completed I am recalling other things. Horrible thoughts that happened to me and that I saw happen around me. I can remember smells, touches, images, emotional feelings of pain and sadness; basically a gust of unimaginable wind from hell has over taken my life 20+ years later. As much as a I try to see clearly I’m faced with constant debris.
So i’ve began to research a lot about physical, mental and sexual abuse and thought I would fill you guys in on a little.
(Image credit: whisnews21.com)
Did you know…..
20% of children who are sexually abused are abused before the age of 8?
Use of alcohol/drugs at an early age can be a sign of trauma such as child sexual abuse?
One in 10 children will be sexually abused before age 18?
90% of child sexual abuse victims KNOW THEIR ABUSER? (d2l.org)
63% of women who had suffered sexual abuse by a family member also reported a rape or attempted rape after the age of 14?
A child who is the victim of prolonged sexual abuse usually develops low self-esteem, a feeling of worthlessness and an abnormal or distorted view of sex making them become withdrawn and mistrustful of adults, and can even become suicidal?
Child sexual abuse is not solely restricted to physical contact; such abuse could include non contact abuse, such as exposure, voyeurism, and child pornography? (victimsofcrime.org)
As an adult SURVIVOR of sexual abuse one can experience…
Guilt, shame, and blame.
Intimacy and relationship issues.
Self-esteem concerns directly related to relationships, career and even personal health.
So before you question someones intent on whether they should “dig up” old shit, realize that this isn’t just an old issue to us. This has slowly shaped us into the adult we are, yet we are not subject to let this awful past continue to effect our future. I deserve to be a better me and the same goes for other survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I’m taking a stand! Ready or not here I come.
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