Sometimes I awake to an overwhelming sadness. I aspire to wake up happy and not absolutely devastated and sad soon though. Apparently curling up in my bed and disappearing for a while isn’t actually an option; however, getting in my car and driving far away actually sounds amazing. If only running from my problems would stop the pain, I would.
Self-doubt is an understatement. I can’t even imagine getting through all the pain I still must endure to see an end in sight. My heart feels like it’s been ripped from my chest. Will I ever value my self-worth? Can I ever trust? I feel like I’m stuck in a sick, twisted, blatantly fucked up Groundhogs day. Like I’ll never move forward. Maybe I'm just a speck of dust stuck in a torturous moment of time.
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As I lay in bed I contemplate going outside, but the sight of the sun makes me cringe. The air I breathe makes me cough. I’m suffocating in my own hell. What did I do to deserve this pain? Will it ever go away? I just want it to go away. Please go away. I didn’t want these things to happen to me. I was just a child. I still feel like I’m that baby being told I’m a bad girl. That it’s all my fault. Our secret.
The tears on my cheeks feel like fire dripping down my soaked face. I try to wipe them away, but they relentlessly pour down with no end in sight. I try to be tough, but I can’t muster the courage to get out of this bed. Soon I’ll have to though.
I’ll have to go pretend I’m the happy little spit fire I regularly act like. Fake it until you make it they say. Fuck them! Nobody knows my demons. No matter how much anyone thinks they know how I feel, they don’t. Betrayal is my middle name, along with sadness and guilt. I should wear “Lost Cause” as a name tag because that’s what I am.
Alarm sounds again. Again. Again. Again. To dissipate or descend? No way up or out it seems so I guess I’ll wipe my tears and pretend to pretend again.
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